A few weeks back we lost a friend for the second time. The first time we misplaced him for 15 years after we lost contact when we both moved at the same time, he was special and I never forgot him. Over the years I had wondered about him very often, how he was going and what he was doing, never giving up hope we would find each other again. I found him recently on Facebook and set out to bring him back into our lives, we started messaging each other. I had the feeling he wasn't doing so well and didn't want to barge my way back into his life, now I wish I had.

A couple of weeks later I got a message from one of his facebook friends to ring him, I sat hoping that it was to arrange a surprise for him but knew in my heart it wasn't so. The phone call started with the words "Are you sititng down?", something I never want to hear again. As shocking as it was, it didn't surprise me.

I tried so hard not to get angry at him, had my own personal chats with him, told him I forgave him for what he had done. I started having dreams, nightmares really - I woke from one so sure I had died. I remember stumbling out of bed to the bathroom and not seeing myself reflected in the mirror, then it was as though I faded in. I stood there thumbling for the light switch and not finding it, then the thought came to mind that if I had died my spot in the bed would still be filled, I turned around to note that it was empty. Thats when I snapped out of it, realised I had been feeling in the wrong spot for the light, finally flicking it on and stood looking at myself in the mirror for a while before going back to bed. Thinking this would keep me up for the rest of the night but fell back asleep immediately. I now wonder if it was all a dream, had I woken, slept walked or stayed safely tucked up in bed? I'll never be completely sure.

This must be the way I deal with grief, I had this sort of dream when my grandmother passed away. I've never been so affected before, I think of him constantly, so constantly I am afraid I am not letting him rest. On the way home from work one day last week I was driving through a town where he and my husband once shared a flat and thought about how I had wanted to share with him who I had become and suddenly got angry, calling him a bastard and completely shocking myself. That night I had the most wonderful dream about him, we spent time together, kissed and parted ways. I still think of him but it seems better, though at times I slip back, but know it's going to get better and I will be able to let him rest. Have told him that he is welcome to visit when he wishes. He is still part of my life just not in the way I was hoping for.

Have just written him a letter, going to burn it later.

This won't be last time we spend a life together, it wasn't the first but the next will be better and we have all the time in the world to spend lifetimes together.

Not even sure if I'll publish this